3 answers
Vanessa
Student
Warrenton, Virginia
1
Question
Asked
239 views
Hello! Anyone able to proof-read/comment on my essay?
I'm participating in an essay contest and I need help with advice. Is there anything I can improve? I would really appreciated if you checked it out!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q4BoHYptdT3LNre_TZgIbYXObDOMUcL4B0lwis4weMg/edit?usp=sharing
3 answers
Jerry Tingstad
Professor/middle school teacher/48 years
57
Answers
New York, New York
Updated
Jerry’s Answer
I taught competitive essay writing for ten years to middle schoolers. By the time they were done with the two-year course they had written +/- 250 essays of varying length on any number of topics. Many had to be of exact word count. Time limits to the second. They were all extremely serious. By the time they wrote in assorted competitive settings they would smugly report back that they were the first to leave, well before the time allotted.
In other words, the more a person writes, the better they get.
The one thing I stressed over and over again was first paragraph. Better yet, first sentence. It's critical. First, it grabs the readers attention. Second, it writes the rest of the essay.
Three examples of first sentences:
1, Renaissance painting The Birth of Venus. First sentence: "When I look at this I see 'Status'."
2. Video of a song sung by the group Chicago. First sentence: "Bad hair day."
3. Black and white photo of a western United States canyon at a distorted angle. First sentence: "I don't understand any of this."
In all three examples the first sentence writes the essay.
We used to have class exercises where I would present a picture, show an object, play a bit of music, or what ever. The students then had to write five opening sentences .
When they then did actual competitive essay writing they were quite successful. They earned it.
Now. I don't know your topic. Nor word limit. Regardless, rewrite you essay and send it along to me. Make it grab me.
In other words, the more a person writes, the better they get.
The one thing I stressed over and over again was first paragraph. Better yet, first sentence. It's critical. First, it grabs the readers attention. Second, it writes the rest of the essay.
Three examples of first sentences:
1, Renaissance painting The Birth of Venus. First sentence: "When I look at this I see 'Status'."
2. Video of a song sung by the group Chicago. First sentence: "Bad hair day."
3. Black and white photo of a western United States canyon at a distorted angle. First sentence: "I don't understand any of this."
In all three examples the first sentence writes the essay.
We used to have class exercises where I would present a picture, show an object, play a bit of music, or what ever. The students then had to write five opening sentences .
When they then did actual competitive essay writing they were quite successful. They earned it.
Now. I don't know your topic. Nor word limit. Regardless, rewrite you essay and send it along to me. Make it grab me.
Karen Kitchel
Community Volunteer
276
Answers
Saint Paul, Minnesota
Updated
Karen’s Answer
You wrote a great essay, and I think it's important to keep it in your words, although fine to edit small things. What I liked is you chose a topic that was meaningful to you and demonstrates a lesson you learned.
Keep on writing and enjoying it. The experience is the prize no matter what happens.
With every good wish!
Keep on writing and enjoying it. The experience is the prize no matter what happens.
With every good wish!
Michelle M.
Entertainment Industry
1184
Answers
Updated
Michelle’s Answer
Hello, Vanessa !
Wow - best wishes to you with the essay contest. I thought your story was captivating and the moral of the story is great ! It does need a bit of polishing so I made some changes to it as that may be the best way for me to do it and it is only a suggestion. It's such a lovely essay, evoking a mental image of the scenes. The changes I made were in paragraph formatting, vocabulary, some punctuation and sentence structure. Also connected a couple of sentences to avoid choppy sentence structure. But it is wonderful !
THE ESSAY ~ BY VANESSA - WITH FIRST CORRECTIONS
I was such a loud child. So many words yet no meaning. I felt like I was talking for the sake of it. My old classmates used to tell me I was weird, not to mention I was one of the only Black girls in my class and I wasn’t exactly pretty either. I had huge buck teeth which was the thing people laughed at the most. Looking back, I might have just wanted to be seen as cool. Although I had friends, I always felt like I couldn’t be myself around them without being judged.
I remember one time that I was sitting at a table with my friends discussing our ages. My one friend was considered cool. She was pretty, smart, and super hilarious. She was also a year older than us so people respected her. Popularity in my elementary school was such an important thing and if you weren’t cool, then you were laughed at or ignored. When the question came to me, I panicked. I didn’t know what to say. All eyes were on me, and I, without thinking, told our whole table I was two years older than them. To no surprise, they were all shocked. Two years is a big difference, not to mention I was cursed with being short, so it made it even more surprising.
After that incident, my age was the topic of many of the kid's discussions. Tons of kids, older or younger, would ask me if I was telling the truth. However, most of the kids in my class knew I was lying, especially the boys. They would constantly tease me and make fun of me. They would even humiliate me in front of the whole class to make me cry. That’s what I hated about myself; I made a lie to impress them but it only made me look worse. So, no matter what I did, the lie I told in 2nd grade would always come back. I remember regretting what I said.
Looking back, I don’t understand why they made fun of me. The lie never affected them, but they were probably just using that lie as an excuse to make fun of people. I wasn’t the only one. By the time I was in 5th grade, I finally had the courage to tell my friends it was a lie. At first I thought they would be mad, but they just brushed it off like it was nothing. What? It eventually spread to my class and the boys that used to bully me laughed and repeatedly remarked that they knew all along. They were my friends at the time, so I didn’t mind. The consequences of keeping the lie were much worse than telling the truth. I wish I had said something sooner because maybe making new friends and people trusting me would be a lot easier.
After that, I told myself to never change to impress others, and I shouldn’t think about how others perceive me. Although it's hard, I’m trying and now and I'm able to become the best version of myself possible.
Wow - best wishes to you with the essay contest. I thought your story was captivating and the moral of the story is great ! It does need a bit of polishing so I made some changes to it as that may be the best way for me to do it and it is only a suggestion. It's such a lovely essay, evoking a mental image of the scenes. The changes I made were in paragraph formatting, vocabulary, some punctuation and sentence structure. Also connected a couple of sentences to avoid choppy sentence structure. But it is wonderful !
THE ESSAY ~ BY VANESSA - WITH FIRST CORRECTIONS
I was such a loud child. So many words yet no meaning. I felt like I was talking for the sake of it. My old classmates used to tell me I was weird, not to mention I was one of the only Black girls in my class and I wasn’t exactly pretty either. I had huge buck teeth which was the thing people laughed at the most. Looking back, I might have just wanted to be seen as cool. Although I had friends, I always felt like I couldn’t be myself around them without being judged.
I remember one time that I was sitting at a table with my friends discussing our ages. My one friend was considered cool. She was pretty, smart, and super hilarious. She was also a year older than us so people respected her. Popularity in my elementary school was such an important thing and if you weren’t cool, then you were laughed at or ignored. When the question came to me, I panicked. I didn’t know what to say. All eyes were on me, and I, without thinking, told our whole table I was two years older than them. To no surprise, they were all shocked. Two years is a big difference, not to mention I was cursed with being short, so it made it even more surprising.
After that incident, my age was the topic of many of the kid's discussions. Tons of kids, older or younger, would ask me if I was telling the truth. However, most of the kids in my class knew I was lying, especially the boys. They would constantly tease me and make fun of me. They would even humiliate me in front of the whole class to make me cry. That’s what I hated about myself; I made a lie to impress them but it only made me look worse. So, no matter what I did, the lie I told in 2nd grade would always come back. I remember regretting what I said.
Looking back, I don’t understand why they made fun of me. The lie never affected them, but they were probably just using that lie as an excuse to make fun of people. I wasn’t the only one. By the time I was in 5th grade, I finally had the courage to tell my friends it was a lie. At first I thought they would be mad, but they just brushed it off like it was nothing. What? It eventually spread to my class and the boys that used to bully me laughed and repeatedly remarked that they knew all along. They were my friends at the time, so I didn’t mind. The consequences of keeping the lie were much worse than telling the truth. I wish I had said something sooner because maybe making new friends and people trusting me would be a lot easier.
After that, I told myself to never change to impress others, and I shouldn’t think about how others perceive me. Although it's hard, I’m trying and now and I'm able to become the best version of myself possible.
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