I am not sure what do, I don't feel like how i wanted to feel like,?

I am from India. Hello, I was a JEE Dropper. In class 11th and 12th I didn't really study anything at all basically Nil. I had 40percentile before in drop year i got 93percentile, I know it not good at all considering the drop and I being general it's indeed not a good score I got a rank of 95000. I wanted go in programming/computer field, Now I wont be getting any college with CSE or related tech Branch except few like some college (good college) which from seniors I have heard its not good, Placement wise, Campus and they say crowd is not good too, The hardworking students study and take off campus placement. Many suggest take lower branch like biotech or mechanical in good college and study cs along with it, I don't want to be like my old self who in 11th 12th thought will study jee at home online, will prepare for foreign colleges this that everything, So i am not sure if i will be able to handle both but even saying this makes me feel bad if i dont work now then when. To be honest after jee i dont feel much ambitious, motivated, i just feel that I have to do it, something. I sometimes doubt if my interest in programming and computer is real because i never learnt anything properly, or I say consistently. Only in drop year that i realised that i am capable of doing something, it was offline coaching I never thought i would be able to solve the types of question that i solved. But all that too is now feels nothing. Like you know when you fail you feel sad and down for some time but after that you feel a bit motivated to do something "I will do better this time", "I would not make same mistakes". I dont know why but i dont feel like this even after months of result. I don't feel like giving any other exams at all too. Back to topic some students like me who are yet to join college are joining some college cse at 96percentile, because they think they wont be able to handle 2 studies with 75% attendence maintaining high cgpa and college wont let them sit in tech placement but i also saw a comment stating that few companies do let sit all the branches and that few in good college is more than total companies in some college etc. Also some say the students, crowd and environment exposure etc will be good in good college to be honest i am not at all sure if I will be gettjng good college at all only chances are in spot round. I dont know what to do. I dont feel ambitious motivated or anything at all. My family's situation in last 4 months have deteorated RAPIDLY still i dont know what to do what not to, what if i regret later. obviously 1 in lakhs thousands succeed what if i am not that. I know its a wrong thought but i dont at all feel like confident or anything. Even if i take a different course and study things myself, I am not sure if I will be able to do it properly at the end colleges are what that provides structure and mentors. I dont even have a mentor or guide and not sure what to do. I have already done it in 11th and 12th and failed. But hey will have to do what needs to be done else life will chew me up. I know college is not end many things are ahead, I think this is just a phase of life and feeling that many gets, this will pass but its just that the future bothers its a significant start, I am not like other, i am not extrovert or good and talking to people, I dont know how will i do in future. I might not even take steps to change myself. In the drop year I worked hard i thought i have changed but i dont feel like that anymore. I dont feel like doing anything, i wanted to study coding all year in the drop when i had to study maths, physics, chemistry. but now i dont feel like. was that all fake? what i want to do in life i dont know. but when i think of leaving programming i feel very bad in the inside.

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