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Could you make comments and suggestions on my college essay please ?

Hello! I am a high school student from Macau. I will be studying aboard in the US in the fall of 2025 as an international student, and it is quite a challenge for a non-native writer and speaker to write a US college essay.

Could you make some comments and suggestions on my college essay please?

I know the word limit for the Common App essay is 650, and my essay exceed that, and I will shorten that later, but please let me know what do you think about this essay in general. Thank you very much🙏!!

=================Start-of-the-essay=================

In March 2023, I watched the re-screening of “Everything Everywhere All at Once” and fell in love with its multiverse setting. One scene, in particular, deeply resonates with me. The scene portrays how a single decision can drastically change the course of one’s life. In this scene, the main character, Evelyn, finds that if she hadn't eloped with Waymond, her future husband, she would have become a famous martial arts actress. Instead, in reality, she ends up running a struggling laundromat.

One of my pivotal decisions happened five years ago. It was the summer of 2019, just after I graduated from primary school. It was about a passion that had been with me since childhood.

Since I was a kid, I knew I really enjoyed building and inventing things. I spent most of my childhood playing with the tools and parts in my father's construction workshop. Once, because I didn't want to water the plants on the balcony individually, I built an automatic sprayer for plants by cutting a PVC pipe and drilling holes at intervals to water six plants all at once. During primary school, I joined the school’s handmade workshop to continue pursuing my love of creating and inventing.

However, I realized I wanted more than just following the instructions of a robot kit manual; I want to create, not just assemble. Therefore, during the summer after I graduated from primary school, I started experimenting and engaging with Arduino, a microcontroller. My first Arduino project was an LCD timer with a buzzer and a force sensor on the seat that reminds me to stand up if I’ve been sitting too long. While working on this project, I experienced a deep and fulfilling enthusiasm that was entirely new to me, and I knew I had truly fallen in love with this feeling. Afterward, I decided to take it a step further. I planned to add a Bluetooth feature and create a mobile app to remind me to stand up through notifications. After some research, I designed the UI for my mobile app using MIT App Inventor. However, I faced a bottleneck while struggling to establish Bluetooth communication between the Arduino UNO and my mobile app. (I had no idea why the Arduino received a number when the mobile app sent a character). Despite my best efforts—spending days debugging, googling, and trying to solve the issue—I couldn't figure it out.

My 12-year-old self realized that he could either continue debugging on his own, devoting more time and effort to solving the problem, or seize the opportunity to reach out to the high school teachers and upperclassmen, ask for help, and hopefully make connections with them.

I had a lot of concerns. I feared being rejected or not taken seriously. It was such a struggle to take that first step in an unfamiliar environment. After much internal struggle, I gathered my courage and took my Arduino kit (which I bought from Taobao) with me, as the evening settled in, I found myself standing at the entrance of the high school workshop, in front of a sturdy metal door with a small side window. I took a glance through the small side window and saw some senior students working on their projects, some chatting in groups. Doubt filled my mind, I paced back and forth with trembling hands and felt even more like an outsider (though I was, literally). Then, at that moment, I knew that this was a chance I couldn't afford to miss. I gripped my Arduino kit even tighter, and pushed the door open.

That evening marks the start of a six-year journey that ignites my passion for electromechanical engineering, physics, math, and science overall. It was then that I met two mentors for engineering: Mr. Lei and Mr. Wong. Mr. Lei guided me through countless engineering challenges. He taught me the fundamentals of programming (namely Processing, Python and C++), mechanical design (Fusion 360 CAD design), and Arduino development. Through the projects he guided me on, he showed me that true innovation requires research, planning, execution, analysis, and, more importantly, the ability to embrace failure.

The courage I had to enter that door on that day changed the course of my life, and I recognized it as a power—the power of “jumping out of my comfort zone.” Since then, I have kept the courage from that day as a memento, and it has quietly guided me through the decisive moments in life, whether it was building a website portfolio from scratch, asking for an interview at a PC repair company even though I didn’t know how to fix a computer, deciding to study abroad or delivering a presentation in an essay competition. I remind myself of the power of stepping out of my comfort zone every time I need to make a challenging decision in life, trusting that my future self will appreciate the decision, even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly. Just like the story of Evelyn; in the end, even though she knows that eloping with Waymond means doing laundry and taxes every day, she still finds beauty in that life.

=================End-of-the-essay=================

+25 Karma if successful
From: You
To: Friend
Subject: Career question for you

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Jerry’s Answer

One of the things I did was teach competitive essay writing (by invitation only). Two year course, By the time they were done they had written an average of 350 essays (+/=). of varying lengths. Most with word count. Many exact count. As in 250 words +/- 1.

They never knew what they were going to write about. Could be literally anything. (Use your imagination to figure it out.)

The thing that was always emphasized was the first paragraph. Better yet, first sentence. If that sentence is good enough, the rest is just "donkey work". That first sentence writes the rest of the essay.

By the time they finished the course, they could smugly walk into a room, take one look at the topic, and start right in. While many others struggled. As in not enough practice.

I also told my students they have to put themselves in the position of the person reading these essays. The person has a stack of (?) 100 essays and has to pick the top 25. They read the first paragraph. If it doesn't strike her/him, they will then skim, their eyes running down the middle of the page. Next! Good first sentence. Short first paragraph. Careful read. Into the short stack for another look if the short stack has more than 25.

And now your essay. First paragraph. Nope. First sentence I asked myself: "So what?" The rest of the first paragraph didn't add to my interest. More like "Who cares?".

On the other hand, the first sentence of your second paragraph is a grabber: "One of my pivotal decisions happened five years ago." I want to read on. Though the word "pivotal" turned me off. Think of a better word. It's like you are showing off your vocabulary. Keep it simple.

In my academic opinion your first paragraph would consist of the single sentence above.

And off you go. The rest of the essay is as good as written.

And word oount shouldn't be a problem. Just write what you want to say. Do a count. If it's too short, add words. If it's too long, subtract. Simple.
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Isabel’s Answer

Hey Dennis!

Your essay has a strong narrative and effectively conveys your passion for engineering and innovation. Here are some comments and suggestions to help you refine it:

Introduction
Opening Sentence: The opening is engaging, but it could be stronger. Consider starting with a specific moment from the movie that directly ties to your personal experience.
Connection to Personal Experience: The connection between the movie and your personal story is clear, but you could weave it throughout the essay for a more cohesive narrative.
Body
Pivotal Decision: The transition to your pivotal decision is smooth. You effectively show your early interest in building and inventing.
Detailed Descriptions: Your descriptions of the projects and challenges you faced are vivid and engaging. These details highlight your problem-solving skills and determination.
Struggle and Courage: The internal struggle and eventual courage to seek help are well depicted. This section is crucial as it shows personal growth and willingness to step out of your comfort zone.
Mentorship and Learning
Mentors and Learning: Your mentors' guidance and the skills you learned from them are well-described. This part effectively demonstrates your growth and the impact of mentorship on your journey.
Reflection
Connection to the Movie: The reflection on the power of stepping out of your comfort zone ties back nicely to the movie's theme. It reinforces the essay's message and shows maturity in your thinking.
Personal Growth: Your continued application of the courage you gained is a strong point, showing how this experience has shaped you.
Conclusion
Closing Thought: The conclusion is strong and ties back to the movie, but consider ending with a specific vision of your future self or a more personal reflection to leave a lasting impression.
General Suggestions
Word Count: The essay exceeds the word limit. Focus on condensing your experiences without losing the essence. Prioritize the most impactful moments and reflections.
Grammar and Phrasing: A few minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings could be smoothed out. For example:
"I had a lot of concerns." could be "I had many concerns."
"As the evening settled in" could be rephrased for clarity.
Flow and Cohesion: Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Transition sentences can help maintain a cohesive narrative.
Specific Edits
Opening Sentence:

Original: "In March 2023, I watched the re-screening of 'Everything Everywhere All at Once' and fell in love with its multiverse setting."
Suggested: "In March 2023, a scene from 'Everything Everywhere All at Once' deeply resonated with me, portraying how a single decision can drastically change the course of one’s life."
Pivotal Decision:

Original: "One of my pivotal decisions happened five years ago."
Suggested: "One of my pivotal decisions occurred in the summer of 2019, just after I graduated from primary school."
Detailed Descriptions:

Original: "Once, because I didn't want to water the plants on the balcony individually, I built an automatic sprayer for plants by cutting a PVC pipe and drilling holes at intervals to water six plants all at once."
Suggested: "Once, to avoid watering the balcony plants individually, I built an automatic sprayer using a PVC pipe with drilled holes to water six plants simultaneously."
Struggle and Courage:

Original: "My 12-year-old self realized that he could either continue debugging on his own, devoting more time and effort to solving the problem, or seize the opportunity to reach out to the high school teachers and upperclassmen, ask for help, and hopefully make connections with them."
Suggested: "At 12, I faced a choice: continue debugging alone or reach out to high school teachers and upperclassmen for help, potentially making valuable connections."
Mentorship and Learning:

Original: "Mr. Lei guided me through countless engineering challenges. He taught me the fundamentals of programming (namely Processing, Python and C++), mechanical design (Fusion 360 CAD design), and Arduino development."
Suggested: "Mr. Lei guided me through countless engineering challenges, teaching me the fundamentals of programming (Processing, Python, and C++), mechanical design (Fusion 360 CAD), and Arduino development."
Reflection:

Original: "The courage I had to enter that door on that day changed the course of my life, and I recognized it as a power—the power of 'jumping out of my comfort zone.'"
Suggested: "The courage to enter that door changed my life, revealing the power of stepping out of my comfort zone."
Final Thoughts
Your essay is compelling and well-structured, with a clear narrative arc and strong reflections on your experiences. By tightening the prose and ensuring every sentence adds value, you can create a powerful essay within the word limit.

Hope this helps!
Thank you comment icon Thank you so much for your detailed suggestions!!!!!!! Dennis
Thank you comment icon I'm glad I helped! have a great day! Isabel Dominguez
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